What I learned About Love

13 years old. I met a guy. I say I will love, love without needing a response, love with all my heart. I just need to know that the love I have in my heart for him exist, and to me, that's enough. Then one day, I wake up in the morning, come to the conclusion that I am tired of this "unrequired love" nonesense. That's that, the end of a crush.

14 years old. I met someone. He asked me "Hey K, do you know the differences between like and love?" When I ask as to why he have this inquiry, he smile and told me that if I like him then that's ok, there won't be a problem, but if it's love, then it's something he can't accept. He said that once there was a girl that shred many tears for him, he doesn't want to see that sadness resign in me. I promised that I'd maintain that boundried between like and love, keep myself emotionally unattach just enough to where it won't make me cry. Unrequired love is not a crime, but don't let it be burden for the one you love. Love from my side is just one half of the equation, for someone to be my love, he must also be in love with me.

15 years old. I met someone. He gave me the courage to get pass the scars that was left behind by previous rejections. To open my heart and accept him, but the scars in his heart is too deep, too new, I can't heal him. So I sit still in the relationship, though I hear words of adorations, cares, and encouragements, I can never hear those magic 3 words from him, 8 letters that was never meant for me. I know that action speak louder than words, and until that moment, no one have treat me as great, as nice. I know that something can't be heard with the ears but have to be feel with the heart. I know that, but my fickle self was unhappy with where I was. I need to hear the word love, to know for sure that to him, I am not a best friend, a sister, I need to know the sweetness I felt is different, is unique and I mean more to him then any other girl. I was terrify that all his love was left behind in an old relationship, and what was standing in front of me just a shadow of his old self. I am afraid that the relationship will go on forever and I will never receive the love that I rightfully deserve. Lesson learnt: I love him and he love me, that's not enough, we have to acknowlege and accept the love we have for one another.

16 years old. I met someone. She showed me something else that I need in a relationship. Two people in love and accept one another love is not enough. She taught me that there is nothing in the world make her happier than introducing the person of your dream to your friends and your family. When you make that intial introduction, you're opening the door to let the person you're dating into your life. I don't want the person I am with to have to chose between me and their family. I want to be a part of the family and I want that person to be a part of mine. Love, acknowlegement, and acceptance alone are not enough. I can't stand a relationship where my existance is a secret. I don't want to hide my love in public, I don't want to feel like I a sin, an addiction, something shameful that have to take the cover of a friend, co-worker, just a classmate. I can't accept someone who say they can love me with all their heart, and give me their heart, body, and soul, but can't give me a name because their family wouldn't approve. Doesn't matter how much that person loves me, doesn't matter how well that person treats me, doesn't matter how crazy we are about one another, a relationship between the two of us is simply not enough, I want that relationship to be show and display for the world to see. I want to be something they're more than proud of.

17. I ran into the person I met when I was 14 when the relationship between me and her were on the rock. He wanted me back. He wanted to start over. He wanted to erase all the lines he put up. I decline. It's not because you shouldn't look back on the past. Not because I have burried my feelings for him for I still sometime look back with longing. It's not because our distance is too far to fix. It's not because I feel guilt toward her, for everything ended with the words "break up". Not because my heart is jaded, not because I am tired and numb. No!! I decline for one simple reason. He wants me back, said that he needs me, said that he would do anything for me, but not a single word of love.

I am just a normal, average girl. Maybe even subaverage.

I am not brave enough to love someone with all my heart. Love like mad, love them so much I forget everything else.

I am not loyal enough to love only one person. Love them without a moment of longing for someone else. Love them without a moment of regret missing that sweet love I've had in the past. Love them without that small tug of adoration for someone who had one point occupate the spaces of my heart, for they're still there, in a small corner.

I am not passionate enough to love without rational thoughts: calculated, and hesitated, considered, afraid to gamble, fearing injury.

I need a word of love from the person I love to be a safety net for me when I let myself fall.

So I love the average heroine in the books. The girl with a heart full of uncertainty, the girl who decisions had been called silly and stupid. For I find myself in them , borrowing them to justify myself.

So my heart hurt when the words "You think you're worth it?" was thrown in the face of Qin Khan by Tong Zi in a jealous rage. For I myself had felt multiple time not worth the love and affections I recieved. Felt myself to be too average. So I was not angry with Qin Khan when she left Tong Zi because of those three words from him that remained unspoken. Would the correct reponse be to tsk my tongue and be angry at her for not cherishing what she had. I ask you this? What did she have? His body? His money? Isn't that trivial?

Critic glance over Qin Khan and call her fickle. Say she cares too much about title and pride and let the love of her life pass by. I dare to ask, however, if she didn't leave him, what seperate her from the women that warm his bed before her, and the women that in his bed after her?

Not all who love each other end up together
Because not everything unspoken is understood between two people in love.
And in this world there more than just two people in love.